Screen Free Week 2023

It’s the eve of Screen Free Week and I have some questions. I have been a big fan of Screen Free Week for decades, yes, decades, since it was “TV Turn-Off Week” in 1994. The young families who celebrated with me then, in my parent education classroom, have grown children now and some of those grown children are likely to have children of their own.

What I loved about the week then is the reflection and the conversations that happen when good people focus on what is best for children, especially young children. I believe the conversation is more urgent now than it ever has been. We are in a recovery season of a global pandemic that forced us to rearrange our boundaries with our screens in order to work, to attend preschool, to visit with grandma and grandpa, to order groceries and to distract ourselves in uncertain times.

I believe it’s time for a hard reset. Welcome Screen Free Week! Here are some questions to reflect on and to discuss with others, over coffee, in the school drop off line, in your parent education classes or lying in bed with your partner at night. Let’s talk instead of scroll this week.

• Happy Screen Free Week! How are you celebrating?

• How has your screen use changed since 2020? For better? For worse?

• Could you go without your phone for a day?

• Did the pandemic impact your child’s screen time? How?

• How does your child react when you try to set screen limits?

• Do you think it’s important to try?

I know, these are tough. I love my phone. I have named her! She, Kathy Johnson, is my constant companion. I set my firmest boundaries with my phone when I am with my grand babies. Here is a list of suggestions to celebrate Screen Free Week without completely breaking up with your phone. They are tried and true thanks to the hundreds of parents who have shared the conversation with me over the years.

• Have screen free zones in your home. Start with the dinner table, your child’s bedroom and wherever you find yourself playing or snuggling up.

• Plug it in and walk away from it. Your screen time will decrease dramatically when you have to move your body to access it.

• Turn off your notifications when your children are awake.

• Replace your screen time with other things you love, and used to do more of, like going outside, reading a book, baking cookies, writing notes, listening and dancing to music, organizing a closet, what ever it is you do to play. Say “You are not the boss of me” out loud, to your phone when you feel like you need a quick screen time hit.

• Go all in on your screen when you put your kids to bed, unless you want another kid, if so, keep it plugged in, in the kitchen.

Miss You Much

It’s a long list, the things I miss, but near the top is feeling helpful. When the pandemic shut us down in March, I did as well as anyone. I felt sad about all of the cancellation emails but they made perfect sense. it was mid summer before I started to wonder when it might be a thing to find me in Anytown, USA in Conference Room B waiting for you to join me for a parent event or a training. Late summer, I accepted that it might be a really long time before any of us feel comfortable gathering all together in one room, no matter how cute our masks are or how great the ventilation is. We know how important it is to be safe. I am deeply invested in keeping your family and my family safe and so we keep on keeping our distance. Nearly eight months in, I would NOT describe myself as a Pandemic Thriver.

You know a Pandemic Thriver, I admire the heck out of them. They are baking beautiful breads. They are working out, and it shows! They are reading a book every week. They are finding solace in the little things. They are setting lofty goals and nailing them. They are organizing their lives. The only thing thriving for me in this pandemic is my hair. I cut my bangs nearly every day and I shouldn’t. I’m more of a Pandemic Coper.

It seems to me that the Pandemic Thrivers have something in common. Can you guess what it is? it’s purpose. I have taken on a few purposeful projects during this pandemic year (Year? Ugh!) including virtual classes, policy work, potty training my grandson and supporting parents from far away. I have also let some things go in order to be more available to my family so they can better navigate trying to work from home. Hanging out with Frank and Fletcher, Lena, and Flynn (FOUR! I cannot believe I have Four grand babies!) has been the best part of this pandemic, hands down. I will briefly mention that I have mastered a Maple Matcha Latte that I will be happy to serve to you on the other side of this mess. It is delicious. But now, it’s getting darker and colder.

Let me just get to it. I think this is a really tough time for all of us, but most especially for parents and care givers of young children. I know a few things about parenting. I know a few things about children. I wonder if I can help. What if I scheduled an evening every week this winter to help you navigate this new reality of parenting, child care and teaching during a pandemic? Would you sign up for a slot? What might that be worth to you? Would forty minutes be too long? Would you sign up with friends for two slots? Would you bring your partner? Could we chat on the phone? Would you, could you do yet another thing on Zoom? Would you laugh at my bangs?

I am turning the comment section on for this post. I would appreciate your input! Thanks, Friends. I miss you.

Earth Day, Birth Days, Social Distancing and Barry Gibb

Fifty years ago, I celebrated the first Earth Day and my tenth birthday with my fifth grade classmates at Gatewood Elementary School in Hopkins. It was a wonderful day spent mostly outdoors, knee deep in pond muck. We were busy building a new cedar chip trail around that pond in celebration of Earth Day. Our teacher, an original tree hugger, had us convinced that our collaborative effort, cleaning up the site, creating that trail and planting trees would make a real difference in the world. I would like her to know that it did. That one lesson, the one about community and caring for each other and the Earth, is one that has resonated with me for a half a century now.

I was hoping to celebrate Earth Day at Gatewood Elementary School tomorrow but realized weeks ago, with a heavy heart, that a visit would not be possible this year, due to Covid-19. When we are on the other side of the pandemic, we will all have stories of the things we missed during this time of social distancing. Let’s meet for coffee. I will listen to your pandemic story and I will share mine with you. We will cry and laugh. I have learned a few things about myself and about what really matters in life during this time. Mostly, I have learned how much I like people. I really like people, a lot. Like, a whole lot.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate another Earth Day and my 60th Birthday at home, with the best guy I know. I’ll bake a birthday cake. We will wait for news from our youngest and her husband. They called just now to tell us that her water broke. They have been admitted to the hospital in these strange times, with masks on. Soon we will welcome our fourth grandchild, a boy. A Boy! It may be a bit before we can hold him but we have been loving him for quite some time already. A pandemic has no chance in a match with spring, love, and babies. On the eve of a unique BIRTH DAY, I wish us all well. Love your family. Be kind to the Earth. Every little thing is going to be alright.

Oh, one more thing….If you happen to see me before I get my haircut, I will remind you of Barry Gibb. I will laugh about that with you and we can sing “Fanny Be Tender” while we hug one another.

The Thing About Routines

I have been in my home for ten days with my daughter and her two small, really, really small kids. Frank will be three in July and Fletcher is six months. We are on a mission to do our best to sort out the new realities of the world while keeping the boys, and ourselves as safe as we possibly can. I have had a lot of time to reflect on what is really important in the lives of families. I am reminded about what a gift routines are to the lives of children, no matter how old they are, especially when their lives are disrupted.

Routines give children a sense that there is order in the world, even when your whole world is in your home. Routines offer security in a stressful time. Routines give a cadence to the day. Routines help children regulate their behavior and their feelings. When children know what to expect, they do better. With a week of social distancing behind us and an uncertain journey ahead of us, it seems to be a good time to consider a routine. No need to run for the chart paper and markers, routines with young children do not need to be rigid. Give yourself some grace, make it fit for you and your children. Design your daily routine to be a comfort, not a stress. For those of you living with little children, I will offer you these elements of a routine in honor of the little folks you live with….

• Smooth Transitions. Comings and goings are so important to children.

• Outdoor Time. Children play to the space. They play bigger, wilder, louder, and most creatively in nature. Put the sun on their faces and the wind in their hair. Put outdoor time on repeat in your routine playlist.

• Resting time. Cuddle up. Nap. There is no better resilience builder than sleep for your children, and for you. You might be surprised to see just how much sleep you really need.

• Creative time. Make some time in the day to be creative. It is often in this space that children can express how they feel. Art, even for small children is a window into their minds and hearts. Mail those treasures to people you love.

• Family Table Time. Sit. Eat. Enjoy one another’s company at the table. All together. No phones. No screens. Talk. Work on your manners.

• Reading time. So. Many. Books. Your children may request the same book over and over again. That’s okay, it is one way that children build predictability into their world.

• Chore time. Yep, I know. You do a much better job. It takes twice as long when they help. But hear this, every single one of us, big and small, needs to believe that we are a part of a community that cares about one another. Chores are a way to give meaning to our days.

• Time away. I took a drive yesterday to find signs of spring. I also needed to cry. Take the time you need to grieve and to harvest hope. Your children will look to you for guidance and hope. Parenting is often shouldering the tough stuff for children. Protect them by taking good care of yourself.

• Joy time. Play. Laugh. Be silly. Imagine. Dance. Play some more. You live with little children, lucky you!

Frank signs off each day by saying “Big Love”, seems fitting for the whole world. Big love.

Dear Parents, I Know This Much is True

After thirty one years teaching in a parent education classroom, I offer these thoughts. Take what you need and leave the rest.

• Your own self care is the most important investment you make in your family. Eat well, sleep well, move a bit, listen to great music, watch crappy TV, get lucky, and treat yourself to time away without feeling guilty about it. Know what your self care plan is and practice it, religiously. Do you, you owe you to yourself and to your family. 

• Your kid is this once in a lifetime magical combination of genetics and experience and YOU are the lucky one who gets to raise him/her/them, how cool is that? Be a fanatical fan of your child. Children do better when they have champions. Be on the same team. Give them the best stuff you’ve got. Your time, your energy, your silly self, and a place to call home. A home that is comfy, predictable, and safe. 

• Discipline is defined as “to teach”. No one learns best by being scared, belittled, or mocked. Good teaching leaves you feeling inspired. The foundation of good discipline is dignity. All behavior is communication. Be nice to them, be firm, but be nice about it. And teach, by example, with your words, with your actions, with your heart. Your kids need a parent, they will have plenty of friends in their life, but only two parents. Be reliable, fair, and consistent. 

• You are raising children, really little children. They don’t know better because they have very limited life experience to draw on to shape their behavior and relationships. They have a lot to learn. You are going to need to teach some lessons like a gazillion times. It is imperative that you keep the faith. They are little, let them be. Slather on the patience, like you do sunscreen. 

• Children have a right to a Playful early childhood. Don’t get too caught up in a “readiness obsessed” culture. Your kids learn about the world through a lens that we, as adults, have long forgotten. The lens is filtered with joy, curiosity, silliness, and a sense that they can do anything. Your job is to support play, the foundation of learning, with plenty of time, space, and support that they need to do their work. Play is messy, chaotic, nonsensical, and self motivated. Fight for it as a matter of social justice.

• Get out. Go outside to play, walk, hike, swim, bike, and breathe. Teach your kids to be good stewards of our planet by engaging with it. Help them fall in love with clean air, clean water, wildlife, plants, trees, and flowers so they will grow up to be people who fight to protect it all. Nature gives you perspective, peace, and wonder but you gotta get out of your car once in awhile to soak it all in.

• Don’t rely too much on social media to meet your need for connecting. There really are no substitutes for real friends and real shared experiences. Don’t wait until your house is clean enough, or it will never happen. Getting together with family and friends builds memories and writes your story of friendship. Let your guard down, be real, be vulnerable. There is nothing like your “chosen family”. At the end of the day, hashtags, likes, and retweets do not offer to babysit your kids when you have a migraine.

• Be kind to your parents. They are going to give your kids straight up, undiluted apple juice behind your back, so there is that. Let them know what you need and ask for it. Share your kids with them. Set limits with them when you need to. Allow them to spoil your kids a bit. Give them the gift of time with your children. There is no prize for going it alone. 

• You can rewrite your parenting story. If your story is toxic, cut bait. You are not your mother, or your father. You can do better, I have seen it over and over again. If the family that you grew up in was a giant mess, get the help you need so you don’t bring that toxicity into your new family. If there were some great moments you want to carry with you, grab them and hold on tight. Leave the other junk behind. This takes cognitive and emotional practice, lots and lots of practice. Do not give up. Just keep working on it, your kids are counting on you. 

• Be a couple. Be committed to focusing on  the 80% of your partner that you fell in love with. That other 20%? Do your best to be fascinated by what you have to learn from those quirky, odd, weird, and often annoying character flaws. You prob wont change that 20% so do your best to let it go. Being in a committed relationship gives you a live in BFF, a live in co-parent, and a live in chore sharer, who wants to go it alone? If you can’t stay together, be parents first, always, but try like heck to stay together. 

• Be a good Neighbor. Show up where it matters to you. A strong community is an essential element of a safe, secure childhood. Know your neighbors. Hire the kid next door to mow your lawn. Shovel the sidewalk for the old lady on the block. Buy crappy fundraiser stuff from the kid brave enough to ring your doorbell, no matter where he goes to school. Pay top dollar for any child who has a lemonade stand. Volunteer in schools. Be a good Minnesotan. Care about ALL kids. Engage and vote. Be a part of the policy discussions around areas of interest to you. 

• You are not your clean house, your weight, your education level, your fashion sense, your chaos, your clutter, your bills, or your google calendar. What you ARE is the love that you share. You are love. Connect with your spiritual self, in whatever way that works for you. You will need something bigger than yourself to guide your journey. And love, love big. Love yourself, love your kids, love your partner, love your friends, love your family, love our neighbor, love your pet, love your life. Choose love, every single time. You will find yourself there. And know, without a doubt, how much I love you.